Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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