keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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