he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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