If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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