SEEEEXXX PLEASE
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
