You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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