Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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