can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
