How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
