i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I have already put on my inside pants.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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