He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
