Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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