I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
