you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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