I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
