when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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