I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
