I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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