you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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