Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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