I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
