Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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