this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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