i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
