I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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