Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
