My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Where is the hickey?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
