found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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