I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
