I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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