Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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