put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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