I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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