i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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