i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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