I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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