How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
