Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
