I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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