a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
