you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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