I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
