just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
