Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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