I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
