Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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