Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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