Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like, not good at living.
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