I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Say something about gay babies.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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