THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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