i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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