I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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