WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
