Michael Bay diarrhea
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
