Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
