So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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